Not Gone and No Longer Forgotten

Ok...the neglected blog needs a kick in the ass...

Or a new raison d'etre.

So rather than kick a bit of css stylesheets and xml in the ass, from this post on you get the new Wicked Pissah Y'all Blog.

Sports? Yeah, but pretty much confined to UGA, The Red Sox and bits and pieces of the Falcons, all heavily, heavily filtered through Rose-colored glasses.

If you want thoughtful, even-handed analysis, go elsewhere.

If you want comical bashing of A-Rod, Phil Fulmer-Urban Meyer Brokeback Mountain jokes and bold predictions such as Matthew Stafford throwing 25 TDs his freshman year despite not starting the first game, come here.

Nash? Really? You're Serious Mr. Stern?

Well, thanks for giving me yet another reason to not take the NBA seriously.

1st, there's the inane dress code, because G-d forbid really conservative whitebread fans think Allen Iverson is "street". At least there hasn't been a "no baggy shorts" referendum yet.

But I say "yet", because part of me (the small, strange part that somehow channels my inner Scoop, my inner S.A.S....which, quite frankly, scares me a bit) wonders if this two-time MVP Steve Nash is just another way for the NBA to delusionally say "Hip-hop culture and the NBA? No way. Pay no attention to those AI and Shaq rap albums behind the curtain."

Are the Suns better with Nash? Sure.

Does Nash create like few point guards? Sure.

Does Nash play D? Hell naw.

And y'all done up and gave this man not one, but two undeserving MVPs. The award was Shaq's last year (and yes, the Diesel did have Dwayne Wade, but don't forget Nash had both Staudamire AND Joe Johnson back then). This year I would rank Nash in my top 5, but behind LeBron, Kobe, Dirk, and it'd be close between the Canadian Coif (really, anyone with that fruity a nickname should be disqualified--you don't see "Starbury" picking up trophies do you?) and 'Melo. Or maybe I'm just pissed. If Nash gets an MVP for excelling on only one end of the court, where's the Bruce Bowen for MVP outcry?

Anyone, great as these playoffs may be, I still have watched nothing more than highlights, and now, thanks to this asinine MVP voting, I shall continue viewing the NBA as "must no really give two shits about" TV.


In other, Red Sox-related news...

First place heading into a series with the NY Chokers is not too shabby when your starting CF is injured and you're scoring with RISP as often as Vito Spatafore with women (*bada bing*).
So let's sweep those asshats outta the Bronx.

And now, someone else's great finally words re Johnny Damon:

You know what my problem all along has been with Johnny Damon? Because to him, It is all about Johnny Damon. It has always been about Johnny Damon. His worries about his reception, his self aggrandizing wave of the helmet, his gestures to the crowd all point this out.

Re. his protestations about the Red Sox not respecting what he had done, Damon would have us believe that it was Johnny Damon who brought all the fans out to see the Red Sox. It was Johnny Damon who Red Sox fans went out to see on the road, it was Johnny Damon who was responsible for selling out Fenway night after night.

Wrong, Johnny. I was watching the Red Sox before you were born, and I will be watching the Red Sox long after you retire. I was watching you play for the Red Sox; I was watching you because you had Boston across the front of the uniform.

Torre's comments feed into this. He implies that it was Johnny Damon, alone, who beat the Yankees. It was Johnny Damon, alone, who beat the Cardinals. He then twists it a little by throwing in a snide comment about 90 years or so. He may have well as said it was Curtis Leskanic who did it. Because, like Damon, Leskanic contributed mightily that October as well.

Wrong, Joe. Maybe if Johnny Damon had gotten a hit or two earlier in the series, it never comes down to game 7. It never comes down to your inspired choice of Kevin Brown, followed by Javier Vazquez. It was the Red Sox that beat your Yankees, Joe, not Johnny Damon.

Johnny, I hate to clue you in on this, but you were not, nor would you ever have been the "face" of the Boston Red Sox. You were an important part of the team for four years, but never the image.

Johnny, the face of the Boston Red Sox is the fan of the Boston Red Sox. It is my Grandad, my Dad and Mom. It is the summer of 1967 spent on Canobie Lake park listening to Ken Coleman and Ned Martin. It is Carl Yastrzemski lashing a single up the middle off of Jim Merritt, and it is Carl Yastrzemski sitting alone at his locker smoking a cigarette and sipping a beer after popping up to Graig Nettles for the last out of 1978. It is Tim Wakefield crying in the lockeroom of Yankee Stadium in October of 2003, and it is Tim Wakefield celebatrting on the Yankee Stadium mound in October of 2004. It is Curtis Leskanic pitching with one tendon connecting his shoulder together for 1 1/3 innings in that same October.

At some point you started to believe all the PR and the hair and the foolshness. It is not about you, Johnny, it never was. Apparently you will never get that.

-From the Sons of Sam Horn

And, because I need to stash a stable pic somewhere for my blogs, here's me:

Early Draft Thoughts...

Mario Williams #1?
Over Reggie Bush?

Well then. San Diego's pick of Ryan Leaf is no longer the dumbest pick in the NFL in the past two decades.

Could Williams wind up being Pro-Bowl caliber? Possibly. But he's far closer to Mike Mummola than Julius Peppers at this point. Peppers didn't quite put up NCAA record sack totals, but his numbers were decent, and he had the crutch of playing basketball. Williams had NO sacks in half of the games in his final TWO seasons, with no basketball to hurt conditioning. And while he's big and fast, he doesn't look anywhere near the physical freak that Peppers (and Peppers predecessor, Jevon Kearse) were.

And the bigger reason this was a bonehead pick: Reggie Bush is easily--let me repeat this, slowly and in large typeface
EASILY THE BEST PLAYER IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS OR MORE
and Houston says "nah, we need defense."
Houston, you won two games last year. You don't have "a problem", you have "many problems." And Bush would've fixed far more than Williams.

So, congratulations Houston Texans, you win the First Annual NFL Draft Red Foreman Dumbass Award
"Congrats, dumbasses"

In other news...as a Falcons fan, I'm glad they've traded for defensive help, because with the purging of Aaron Brooks, replacing him with Drew Brees, and most importantly, riding themselves of Jim "8-8" Haslett, the Saints were already improved. With Reggie Bush and Deuce they could easily be the next Kansas City Chiefs. At least that's my hope. A decent defense and they might be downright scary.

And finally, a word about the "new" Jets. D'Brickishaw may be a hell of a lineman. But ask yourself this Jets fans, even if your OLine was nothing but AllPros, are you really comfortable with Chad Pennington back there? After the shoulder injuries he's had, it's a toss up for who has the weaker arm between him and Johnny Damon. And Pennington doesn't get to throw baseballs. Matt Leinart, nit-picking about arm strentgh aside, could've been the next Broadway Joe. He was a college QB in LA that became a "local" celebrity. He lost all of two games and certainly held his own against a good Texas D. He's used to being a start in a fickle big city. Do the Jets need a star? Maybe not. But I think they'd be a lot better off going up against the Pats and the rabidly improving Dolphins with someone other than Chad.

Quick random thoughts

Rich McKay needs a raise. There are mutterings and hushed whisperings that he'd be a good candidate for NFL commish. After the Falcons offseason so far, Falcon fans everywhere need to convince McKay to stay. A defense practically pulling people from the stands to play DB now has Lawyer Milloy and the tandem of John Abraham and Patrick Kearney could be one of the league's best. Now if only Greg Knaap were replaced by Mike Martz...

I don't want to say anything about UGA's QB yet. But a freshman could be starting 4 games in. That's all I'm saying. (Ok, that and the JTIII-Cory Phillips comparisons aren't holding water. Phillips had not one but TWO 400 yard passing games under his belt when he was battling David Greene. JoeT3, while a damn good dawg, I think has only one game where he attempted more than 4 passes.)

Best March Madness ever? Maybe. But for once it'd be nice for the media to wait til an event is over before ranking its worth.

No-Fun Huskies Deserved to Lose

It may seem unduly harsh (or bracket-busted-related bitterness) to say UConn deserved to lose a game that it sent to OT with all zeros on the clock, but it's true.

UConn has probably four NBA-ready players, more than even athlete-rich teams like Florida, Texas and LSU.

But not once during the tournement have they played to potential. They looked like listless crap against 16th-seed Albany. Albany! We got some measure of relief when they beat Kentucky, but that was only because so many watching convinced ourselves that UK was playing like the 'Cats of old. As feel-good as that lie was to those of us with the Huskies in our Final Fours, it's bull: this was easily the least cohesive, worst-playing Kentucky squad in many years.

Then for their final two games, they did a Road Runner-like, no one can keep them down act at the end of regulation. Washington had them beat. Myself and a few other hoops fans stood to the side of the stage at Tasty World, ignore soon-to-be famous rock stars in Second Shift, the Pendletons rocking out on stage, and even some really attractive girls with slightly curly hair (if I have a type, that's it), watching UConn somehow come back. Sunday was the same thing. UConn was all non-smiles and Calhoun's disturbing resmemblance to Grady Little was underscored by the smaller team playing loose and with passion--while the big boys of UConn grimaced and seemingly didn't even attempt a 3 point shot in the final minutes (while letting George Mason destroy them outside the arc on the other end.)

Calhoun said this year's Husky squad lacked in guard play...but would better guards really inspire some spark of life in this team? Teams that get this far have to have an identity. Unfortunatly for UConn, their legacy for 2006 is: talented underachievers. Now, one of the 3 best UConn teams finishes the year as a historical footnote to George Mason's amazing run (and don't doubt for a minute the coronary George Mason can give that jackass Billy Packer. 'Nova's run in 1985 was amazing, but look at what GM has done: defeated the defending National Champ, and the National Champ from two years ago, along with two of last year's Final Four teams. It could be a quarter-century before something like this happens again.)

Spring Practice: Good News/Bad News

From today's Athens Banner-Herald:

Two tennis ball machines are now set up alongside two Jugs machines on the practice field in hopes of helping Georgia improve its pass catching.

"I saw a lot of dropped balls early in practice and then at the tail end once we got involved in our pass skeleton drill, we had some great catches," Richt said after Monday's practice. "We've had too many drops over the last five years in my opinion. We've got to catch the football if we're going to make this thing really go and be exciting."

Richt believes that too many passes have been dropped because players aren't trusting their hands more and are relying too much on using their bodies to catch the ball.

This is good that Richt is agreeing with yrstrly about the Wideouts and pass catching. But the bad (and slightly disturbing news) is that it's Richt talking about it, while the WR Coach has said nothing. But, there is a good side to this too. The fact that I'm temporarily blanking on the WR coach's name (even though I know he coached wideouts at FSU in the 90s, and the Toronto Argonauts) reminds me that I can't remember really any quotes from him. So my hope is he's just media shy.

This really is a great time of year. It's getting warmer, there's baseball, March Madness and football too. If the baseball and football games counted, it could almost top fall...wait...nah...

Pick' em

I'll keep my Superbowl picks easy.
Both teams have great players (though I still think I could get 1,000 yards running in a spread with guys like Walter Jones blocking for me...until the first good-sized safety tackles me and breaks something.)
But since both sides have great players, it comes down to coaching. Earlier I compared Cowher to Sgt. Slaughter. Who does Mike Holmgren look like?














Coccoon star Wilfred Brimley.

















So now ask yourself: in a football game--not a chance to keep old people feeling young--who do you trust more to win it for you?


(Also, please ignore Holmgren's Superbowl rings...I'm picking the Steelers damnit.)

Football In a Non-XL Size pt. 1

One of the biggest events in sports happens this week (no, not the Superbowl. You don’t need me to tell you about that.)

But if you were thinking football-related, you’re close, and should therefore win a cookie. If you were thinking something else, like say, hockey, or golf, or synchronized Romanian deadlift tap-dance ice-skating, you’re in the wrong blog entirely. Go home.

This is about National Signing Day. The day in which athletes at high schools around the world culminate weeks and months of being treated like rock stars (or at the very least, Anthony Michael Hall from Johnny Be Good—which to this day is still one of the worst bits of casting in an 80s move ever.) and they finally sign and fax a sheet of paper to the college of their choice (and more importantly the college’s choice—because let’s face it, an actual high school quarterback of Anthony Michael Hall-circa-the-release-date-of-Johnny-Be-Good’s attributes may want to sign with Texas, but Texas would be out of their mind to sign him.) And hundreds of thousands of grown (according to some definitions, though usually not their wives of significant others’ definitions) men will cheer—especially those who have been following Johnny football hero since he first ran a punt back 84 yards vs. Winder-Barrow his freshman year.

Is it insane? Sure…but so are most things sports related that are fun (actually many things people do for fun can sound insane if you phrase them right: consuming beverages that kill my brain cells, listening to music at hearing-damaging decibel levels, reading complex, footnote-laden novels again and again.) So call me crazy, but I’m going to be a part of the madness this year.

Check back here often for updates…this is like EPSN’s SuperBowl blog—only probably nothing will happen today, or Tuesday.

UPDATE: ok, nothing’s really happened. But UGA is still in the lead for badass safety prospect Reshad Jones.

Down and Dirty - (under) Doggystyle NFL picks

Short and sweet like a good quickie should be here:

Carolina 3-1/2 point 'dogs at the Seahawks? Shaun Alexander has shown nothing in the playoffs and no team has shown they can shut down Steve Smith. Add in Seattle's average D vs. Carolina's really good one and you've got some easy money to make. Seriously the only easier bet is taking the over on "Will Tera Reid get drunk in the next 5 days?"

And yeah, the Broncos are good...but my gut (or the Locos I had for lunch) is telling me the Steelers will be better. So if you trust me (or Locos...or people that work at Locos) go with the Steelers. It's all about former Dawgs getting Superbowl rings, and Hines, Verron and co. need to be hooked up.

NFL Playoffs...

Seriously, they're the same person. All that's missing is Cowher getting in Antwan Randle-El's face and calling him a "little puke" if he aligator arms a pass over the middle. Taking things further (and into G.I. Joe territory because that's more fun than WWF territory--unless we're talking about me and Stacy Keibler), I think Ben Rothlesberger could pass for Hawk, which, all Bulldawg bias aside, would clearly make Hines Ward into Snake-eyes. But the only way the Steelers win this weekend is if someone convinces Manning he's playing Florida (or the Pats).

Moving...west? (It's been awhile since I took Geography ok?) We've got the Carolina Panthers taking on Chicago. Everyone loves to rave about their defense (said defense of course wishes those glowstick-twirling, pacifier-sucking twits would go away and stop playing the electronica version of "the Superbowl Shuffle"), but what they forget is that Carolina has a top 4 defense too. And do you really think this guy:


This guy is the guy who will beat the Carolina defense? (I searched and searched on Google but couldn't find that classic pick of Rexy drunk and holding a whippet, but this still works). Seatle rolls (but close) and the Broncos and Pats is...too close for me to call at the moment. But seriously folks, how can you bet on Rex in the playoffs?

Looking to the 2006 Football Season

Moses is back to lead his people (aka, the defense).

Matthew Stafford is in Athens, getting ready to start classes, and already throwing the pigskin around.

Those are the two big noteworthy items heading into the UGA offseason. They don't seem like much, but there are some big things implied by their abscence too. Leonard Pope is the only starting underclassman leaving early. No coaches are leaving (so far). The staff will be back.

So...who's going to be QB?

I think after five seasons we need to stop worrying about this heading into a season. So far under Mark Richt, not a single UGA starting quarterback has had a terrible or even average season. In fact David Greene and D.J. Shockley have been tearing up the UGA (and NCAA) record books. Since Richt left FSU, their quarterback play has declined (despite highly rated recruits and all-world wideouts). So maybe, just maybe, Coach Richt knows a thing or two about grooming quarterbacks. So file me in the "I don't care if it's JT3, Cox, Barnes, or Stafford" camp. If the starting QB wins Richt's approval, we'll be fine at QB.

'Nother thing to remember as we prepare for another "rebuilding" (sic) year: this isn't the 2003 season, where a senior-laden offensive line was replaced by freshmen, giving up a good 47 sacks. There's talent and depth coming back on the line, plus proven threats at running back. If the Dawgs, with no run game and a porus line could compete for the SEC title in '03, why write them off in '06 when they should have a run game and a decent line?

The real question marks are on the defense. Wilie Martinez didn't make anyone forget about Brian Van Gorder (other than the fans who don't know who the defensive coordinator is anyway...you know the ones, they spend most of the game commenting on how "cute" a player is, and then you wonder why you got drunk and hooked up with them--and worse, invited them to the game as your date). BUT--Brian Van Gorder didn't exactly blow folks away in 2001 either, and he had more talent. Developing qualtity depth on the front seven will go a long, long way in improving the defense. I want the Sugar bowl to be one of those "we don't see it a lot so we pussyfooted around" performances, like the 2004 season opener against Georgia Southern and not a trend. Get stronger against the run, blitz smart--like the LSU game--and keep folks in that 15 ppg. average or so, and UGA should be fine in '06.

And if you wanted a preseason top 25...tune in later this week. I'm not going to cheapskate you like those EPSN bums with their "#1 Texas (provided Vince Young comes back)" stories that have the "Vince Young declares for draft" stories next to them.

Taking the 2005 College Football Season To Bed pt. 1

It was a quick, strange season (one in which I made almost no comments because I neglected this blog like Fred Smoot running into one of the party boat “hired guns” at a strip club.) But now that it’s over, I can look back and seem quite wise with the power of 20/20 hindsight vision (and if you lack this, LensCrafters is more than happy to fit you with hindsight glasses. Or they’re just slap a comically oversized pair of Elton John shades on your ass and call them “hindsight glasses”. Just remember to ask for J-Bone and whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t ask for the hindsight contacts.)

The two best things to happen in college football, 2005 (tie)

D.J. Shockley having a great season / Tennessee’s Linda Lovelaceian 5-6 choke job. Before the season I hoped Shock would come out and be a great player. The rationale was there: sure he looked like one of the neck beard-sporting Detmer brothers vs. Tech last year, but Richt was planning on him being in there. A full offseason of reps with the #1 offense, Richt calling plays for him, not Greene, these would all help and we might not miss Greene that much.

Sure, we didn’t really have proven wideouts for him to throw to, but he’ll come around. A Shockley did more than that, setting a UGA season record for touchdowns and tying Eric Zeier’s record for TD passes.

The best Dawg to play only one season as a starter? Hells yes. He deserved one more shot against WVU, but I’ll still buy him a beer if I see him downtown from now until I eventually check into AA (which will come too soon if the D continues 2006 the way they ended the sugar bowl, but that’s another column.)

The Vols's collapse I predicted somewhat before the season too—just never in my wildest dreams (well, the ones that don’t involve me, Jessica Alba, Brittany Murphy, Eva Mendes and those SuperUltraKing beds they advertise in the Robb Report) did I think UT would only beat one SEC East team (and that that team was Kentucky) and spend bowl season sitting at home.
UT at preseason #3 was seriously overrated though. I questioned if sports writers really watched some of UT’s games last year. Yes, they beat UGA and I hate them for it, but it was close. If it their season consisted only of the close win against the Dawgs and the almost redemptive “we’re not going to lay down and get completely asswhipped so you look better in the eyes of the BCS” SEC championship loss to Auburn, followed by the beatdown of Texas A & M, maybe I could cede a Top 5 birth. But no, it was top 3, and Gerald “what’s a textbook?” Riggs was a freaking Heisman Candidate.

The SEC’s produced some great running backs, but Riggs’s non-badassness aside, when was the last time the conference had a running back in the Heisman race late? I can’t think of any since Garrison Hearst in 1992. Backs don’t accumulate the numbers in the record-setting bunches needed to wow national voters. Sure Jamal Lewis was a better back than Ron Dayne, but Ron Dayne got to rack up yards against Illinois and Northwestern while Lewis was stuck vs. Florida and Alabama (while maybe—allegedly—setting up a nice coke ring).

Point being, the hype was ridiculous, and people seemingly forgot how many near losses the 2004 UT team had. They nearly lost to Vandy and Kentucky last year…Cutcliffe’s lousy final Ole Miss team too. The refs nearly handed them the Florida game.

UT, top 3 team? I laughed. But when they lost to Vandy and South Carolina and their D quit on them late in the 4^th against the Dawgs, and when they finished 5-6 I laughed even harder. The silver lining is that as bad as 5-6 is, it wasn’t bad enough to get Fulmer fired. A good coach with some of UT’s talent would be downright scary.

The 2005 Highlight Reel: Memento Style

The Rose Bowl—best national championship game I’ve seen since Ohio State-Mimai (which beats out the Rose for two chief reasons: 1. the company was better. I watched the Rose bowl with my good friend Miller Lite, the Fiesta I watched with my friend Amanda and her Q-tip fetching cat Roxy. 2. Overtime. Like many a lady will say “sorry, longer is usually better. Sure the refs screwed Miami towards the end, but Texas got a overturned gift touchdown in the Rose too—and the refs were seemingly not going to call holding on either O-line.) Bill Simmons had a great line about Vince Young’s throwing motion though, saying Young “throws like someone who just realized they have dog poop on their hand and is trying to fling it off.”

Fecal-flinging arm motion aside, Vince gave one of the most dominant college football performances ever (up their with #34 almost single-handedly leading UGA past Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl) and it was great fun to watch, if a little disconcerting.

Why? Because now Mack Brown has “won the big one”. I think many folks forget how perennially overrated the ‘Horns were under Brown until this season. His own fans would refer to him as “Mr. February”. One Rose bowl later, Mack Brown is second in the Texas coaching pantheon to Daryl Royal and many Trojan fans are talking to old school Pats fans about all the bad things Pete Carrol did in the NFL that they fear he may do now. Two years ago, Tommy Tuberville was the guy who lost at least 4 games every season. This year, Richt is the coach who can’t beat UT, Auburn and Florida all in one season—here’s to a 2006 turnaround of Mack Brown proportions.

The Fiesta Bowl—Bowden looked out of it, but I wish FSU had won. Much as it was nice to see Ohio State shut up the yammering Notre Dame love for a week or so (until the “early” preseason polls put them at #2 and forget that Weis doesn’t coach D and it shows), I had grown tired of hearing about Joe Paterno’s “comeback”. If just one person had spun the angle with a “if JoePa had let his players, his senior quarterback play like this a few years ago, would we be talking about a comeback?” I could’ve lived with it a lot more.

The Sugar Bowl—I don’t want to talk about.

Other Bowls—I was shocked at some upsets, to say the least. Utah whipping Tech was just funny. Auburn playing like their 1^st game against Tech against a statistically pathetic Wisconsin defense was a shocker (not literally). Miami getting their asses handed to them by LSU was much unexpected (I guess LSU plays better in the Georgia Dome with a backup qb.) But overall, I was pretty disinterested with this year’s crop of bowls. There weren’t that many interesting matchups (on paper) until the (day after) New Year’s games, and I admit to being somewhat preoccupied with worrying about the Red Sox front office’s lack of moves.

To be continued…

NFL Playoffs

(short post...don't worry, there'll be more updates here soon...one day)

But just remember folks, if the Falcons do win, and Philly does its "Atlanta Braves of the NFL" act again tomorrow, it's still not as from out of nowhere as the Sox winning the WORLD SERIES


Just wanted to say that again.

Calling All Dawgs

This is the week we both dread and anticipate.

The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party. Or, as it’s been for the few, the proud, the intoxicated Dawg fans (maybe “few” is the wrong word here), The World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party Followed By A Disappointing Loss To Florida.

One time—ONE time—in the past fourteen meetings between the two schools has UGA left the field as victors. I was a senior in High School then, and for the first couple of years at UGA the win seemed like recent history. Now more than a year removed from graduating UGA, it seems like ancient history…and folks this cannot stand any longer.

On Monday Florida fired head coach Ron Zook, which means for the rest of this week we will have to sit and listen to the “incredibly high standards” of football at Florida, and how “great” a job it is. Longtime UGA fans know what a massive load of Fulmer those statements are. Prior to the arrival of the Son of Satan, aka Spurrier, aka “that guy who wears a visor to hide his circumcision scars,” the Mighty (sic) Gators could only claim winning the SEC while on probation. Now tell a Gator fan comfortable with his school’s mythology this and he’ll either claim amnesia prior to 1990 (the most common reaction) or they will trot out quotes (which may or may not have been written) about how people “always” said that “Florida was a sleeping giant.” Sleeping giant…really…Rip Van Winkle didn’t sleep as long as Florida. Now they’re reeling and it’s up to us to knock them back to their mediocre ways.

It’s going to take a big shift in attitude—from all of us as fans—for this to happen. It’s easy to sit back after a loss like last year’s and say “wow, the team mentally isn’t in this,” but we seem to forget that most of us as Dawg fans aren’t “in” the game either.

In 2002 when the Dawgs had the ball with one last shot at scoring a TD, how many people believed it would happen? From where I was watching, far more were waiting for a dropped ball or an interception, or an incomplete pass than there were folks believing another 92-yd touchdown pass followed by “some property getting destroyed tonight.”

And last year, after the Dawgs took the lead, it seemed like almost everyone around me was convinced that the Gators would fly down the field and win it. Too many of us expected the worst, and then complained (or in many cases—mine included—adopted a post game strategy of “drink til you think we’ve won.”)

In Tuesday’s Athens-Banner Herald they interviewed Damon Evans and there’s a comparison made between the Red Sox finally beating the Yankees and the Bulldogs finally winning one in Jacksonville. The comparison they miss is that prior to, well the end of Game 7, most of Red Sox Nation was waiting on a choke to finally happen. A mental hex, or “curse”, is just as much a product of the fans as the players. So for UGA to win, we all—ALL of us—have to BELIEVE UGA will win.

So now I’m asking all of y’all to believe with me (imagine reading this last part with the cheesy sounds of Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believin’” if it helps you focus):

That UGA will win on Saturday.

That Florida will get whipped up and down the field, its offensive players punished and its defensive players beaten like rented mules (Note to anyone in PETA, it’s just an expression).

That though Florida says its back is against the wall for this game, that UGA players are even more motivated to win. They know they can’t go out and lose not only to the team that lost to Mississippi State, but to a team with a fired coach. They know UGA will not finish 0-for-Zook.

Believe with them that UGA will not go 0-for-Zook.

That when UGA needs a big play, we will get it. Again and again and again.

That on Saturday, October 30th, 2004, there will be some “property destroyed” that night.

That for once, the Saturday Night at The Landing will be packed with happy Bulldog fans and only a few brave (or really, really, really drunk) jean-short clad, mullet-sporting, booger-eating Florida fans.

And finally, believe that UGA’s dominating win on Saturday is the start of string of dominating wins, no matter who the Gators get to coach them next year—even if it’s the Devil himself. Believe that we’ve got a New Breed of Bulldog that can make even the evil one constantly throw his visor.

It’s Great

To Be

A Gator Hater

Gooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Dawgs! Sic ‘em! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!

Weekend Preview Grab-bag

Ok, so it’s the Cards.

Redbirds vs. Red Sox.

This is really a mismatch because we all know a sock can whip the shit out of a bird, especially if it (the sock) is filled with rocks or a doorknob. Time for the Dirt Dogs to say “Homey don’t play dat” to the boys from St. Louis.

(Note: yes that was an In Living Colour reference. If you liked it, give it two snaps around the word. If not, "lemme show ya something." And don't think too much about how FOX did sketch comedy so well on their first attempt only to fail so miserably with MADTv.)

And if you’re looking for some legit reasons for the Sox to win:

1. Pitching—the Sox just have more of it. Schilling may be classified as a miracle of modern science before the Series is over, but even at 80% he’s better than anyone the Cards have. Behind you have a possibly hit-or-miss Pedro, but the Sox make up for that by now having a much better looking 3-5 in the lineup. Arroyo may have gotten mildly shellacked in game 3, but he’s a great pitcher—especially away from Fenway, for some strange reason (my theory, he’s distracted by Boston’s very attractive bat girls, or the # of fine ladies in the stands in cowboy hats[1])—Wakefield was unreal his last time pitching, and Derek Lowe has been far closer to the 20-game-winner form of a few years back.

2. Hitting—this isn’t as big in the favor of the Cards as they’d like to think. Pujols and Rolen is a great 1-2 punch, but is it really greater than Ramirez-Ortiz? Sure they’ve got Larry Walker and Jim Edmonds, but the Sox counter with Damon, and the combo of Varitek, Nixon and Cabrera. (Yes Virginia, the OC can hit). 1-9 I say the Sox are the stronger lineup (except Games 3-5 where laughter may erupt at Boston pitchers hitting).

3. Mojo, luck, etc. Ok, maybe they may not be “legit”, or “scientifically provable”, but this is a game, and momentum means a lot. The Sox are on a roll, and are the only team to win a game 7 after being down 0-3. They’ve got the guts to get it done, and they will.

As if the first Red Sox World Series since 1986 wasn’t enough sports fun, there’s also one of the biggest NFL games in years on Sunday—and it also involves New England. The 5-0 Pats will play the 5-0 Jets in a big, big game. Except I think the Pats win this one easily. Tom Brady is a better QB than Chad Pennington. The Jets have the edge in WRs, and I’ll give Curtis Martin the edge over Corey Dillon (even though Dillon is on my FF team), but the difference in this game will be the New England defense.

However, if the Jets pull of the upset, I get the feeling no one in the great Boston area will really care.

Moving to college football (today’s Not-So-Subtle Segue was made possible thanks to Readers Like You. If you’d like to donate, make checks payable to “Cash”…that’s my, uh, maiden name) UGA tries to avoid another loss by traveling to Arkansas this weekend. The two important keys for this game: Matt Jones will be playing hurt (maybe he should ask Alabama’s QBs what playing hurt vs. UGA’s D gets you) and UGA has OWNED Arkansas lately, and scored at least 30 points in the past 3 meetings, including a 38-7 win their last trip West.

All that remains is for the Tide to Roll UT.

I'd say more, but most of my college predictions have been "not so good" lately (if you placed bets based on them, please be aware: my thumbs are already broken. Repeat, my thumbs are already broken. No need for Fat Tony, Legs and Big Vinny to stop by.)
[1] Yes, Miss Red Top and Cowboy Hat from The Greatest Bar, I still want to “cowboy up.”

Anything is Possible

Ok, let’s jump in the WayBack Machine™ real quick and bend space and time for a quick sec (all seconds are quick when time-traveling) and travel all the waaaay back to Monday October 11th. We’re going to go either to some major publishing houses with a book idea, or a major film studio with this pitch to them:

“Ok, it’s a sports story: Yankees-Red Sox in the ALCS. The Red Sox will win in 7, with the deciding game in Yankee Stadium. Manny Ramirez will not have a single RBI the entire series. Johnny Damon will be in a slump so bad that he’s practically hitless until game 7, where he will not only hit a massive home run into the Yankee upper deck, but also a Grand Slam and set an ALCS record by scoring 6 RBIs in one game. None other than Bucky F. Dent himself will throw out the first pitch in Game 7. Derek Lowe will finish with a lower series ERA than Curt Schilling, yet Schilling will still provide an unbelievably inspirational and rallying start in game 6—yes, 6. The Yankees will open by winning the first 3 games, with Mussina and Lieber looking nearly unhittable, and will score 19 runs in Game 3 at Fenway. Then the Sox come back: first in a dramatic come-from-behind-win against in 12 innings—tying the game with Mariano Rivera pitching in the bottom of the 9th. They follow this with a 14 inning win in which their bullpen is nearly perfect, even if Jason Varitek will have 3 passed balls from Tim Wakefield. To force game 7—which no team in the history of MLB has ever done—Curt Schilling, who was hobbled with a torn Achilles tendon in game 1, will have skin on his ankle sewn and stapled to his ankle bone in order to grind out a masterful pitching performance. Alex Rodriguez will get called for interference for karate-chopping a pitchers hand who was trying to tag him out—Bronson Arroyo no less. Several lucky breaks will actually go Boston’s way, from ground-rule doubles, to refs actually going back and making correct calls. And in the final game, the Yankees are barely in it.”

And we would get laughed out of every publishing house, every movie studio (take that back, I’m sure some “adult” studios in the valley would consider it. “There can be an orgy in the stands right?” they’d say) and they’d all say the same thing. “It’s not believable. Sure, people may buy the Sox winning and going to the series, but not after being down 0-3. And against the Yankees? No way, bub.” (I have heard tales that they call us “yokels” “bub.”)

That’s how amazing this ALCS has been.

Saturday night I joked with my friend Drew (a Yankees fan and a Long Island native transplanted here to GA), sometime during game 3 when the score was only as bad as say half-a-gajillion to five that “maybe they’re letting the Yankees have the 1st 3 games so it hurts them even more when the Sox come back.” I don’t think much of me believed that, though part of me probably did. I certainly didn’t think they were going to allow a sweep at Fenway—the team had played too hard.

Then Game 4 started and things began looking bleak.

I dreaded what I would have to write. I took solace in the fact that I could at least use a clever allusion to open the post. “So this is the way the series ends,” I planned to start, echoing T. S. Eliot, “not with a bang, but a whimper.” The line proved prophetic, only it turned out to be the Yankees going out with a whimper in game 7.

The 2004 Yankees can now take their place in MLB history with a choke job that puts Linda Lovelace to shame (ask your dirty older relatives kids).

My theory on why FOX never cut to video of George Steinbrenner during the waning innings of game 7 was that they were certain that once his team, with it’s nearly a fifth of a billion dollars in payroll, lost to the Red Sox, his head would explode, Scanners-style. And with the FCC cracking down on what can and cannot be shown on TV, FOX decided it wasn’t worth the risk (speaking of potential FCC risks, FOX should count themselves lucky—or thank the magic of 5-second-delay—that non of the patrons of Cask & Flagon or The Greatest Bar decided to turn the ACLS win into a true Roman Bacchanalia and just get nekkid right there on the bar.)

(Side note: to the girl at The Greatest Bar in the Red top and Cowboy hat, say “howdy” my way some time.)

Who do Sox get in the Series?

Either way the headlines are easy. If it’s the Cards, expect plenty of hippie jokes and 60s references and mention of possibly the Greatest Series of All Time. If it’s the ‘Stros, expect to hear about how it’s been since 1986 since the Sox have been here, 86 since they won, but that Houston has NEVER been to the World Series. Oh, and they may mention something about The Rocket too. Maybe.

What this goes to show is that for once, sportscasters are right when they say “anything can happen.” And I for one hope this carries over to other sports.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, Alabama can beat Tennessee, preferably before UGA’s kickoff (where they will beat Arkansas.)

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, UGA can finally beat Florida in Jacksonville.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, UGA can go into Auburn and whip an unbeaten and highly ranked team of WarEagleTigerPlainsmen.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, UGA can finish it’s season unbeaten, whip Auburn one more time in the Georgia Dome and win the SEC title.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, some teams out of USC, Miami, OU and other teams ranked ahead of UGA can lose, and UGA can play—and win—in the Orange Bowl.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, they can take the Astros, or the Cardinals.

If the Sox can come back and beat the Yankees, anything can happen.

I can even close with an adaptation of Shakespeare, as it relates to the ALCS:

From Game 7, Act 1, scene 3 (the “pregame” speech)

He that shall live this day, and see old age,
Will yearly on the vigil feast his neighbours,
And say 'To-morrow is Saint Crispian[1].
'Then will he strip his sleeve and show his scars,
And say 'These wounds I had on Crispian's day.
'Old men forget; yet all shall be forgot,
But he'll remember, with advantages,
What feats he did that day. Then shall our names,
Familiar in his mouth as household words
-Pedro Martinez, Schilling and Arroyo,
Bellhorn and Foulke, Wakefield andOrtiz-
Be in their flowing cups freshly rememb'red.

This story shall the good man teach his son;
And Crispin Crispian shallne'er go by,
From this day to the ending of the world,
But we in it shall be remembered-
We few, we happy few, we band of Idiots;
For he to-day that sheds his blood with me
Shall be my brother; be he ne'er so vile,
This day shall gentle his condition;
And gentlemen in Boston now-a-bed
Shall think themselves accurs'd they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.

[1] Note: for the purposes of this adaptation, please pretend St. Crispin’s Day happens in late October.

Sox and Weekend CFB Preview

Well Sox fans, I can’t say I’m shocked, but this was not how things were supposed to go. The Sox bats vs. the Yankee pitching staff was supposed to be a big plus in the corner for the Sox. But then again, we figured Curt Schilling’s ankle wasn’t that bad either…and I figured the Dawg’s offense had gotten it together too.

The upside to the crappiness that’s been this past week so far in sports is that I did figure a way to salvage the nonfiction book I was working on. The original plan was to do a chronicling of UGA’s run to the national championship. Now, I’m not saying it’s impossible for UGA to make the Orange Bowl now, but that’s also a lot like me saying “it’s not impossible for Jessica Alba to be my bride-to-be”—sure, it could happen, but odds are, it won’t.

But now the book’s got the working title of “Seeing Red” and it can look at the similarities in mentality of both Red Sox fans and UGA fans, and if can follow both the tail end of the season for the Sox, and the entire UGA football season. That’s what we writerly folks call “padding”.

In College Football news, Saturday we get to see if my crazy prediction that UVA may be the ACC’s best holds any water when they play FSU. A few weeks ago this would’ve been an easy game for UVA. But then Chris Rix got hurt and FSU discovered what life was like with a QB that had two brain cells to rub together was like. While Wyatt Sexton isn’t going to be mistaken for Chris Weinke anytime soon (for starters, he’s about two decades younger), he’s not going to get mistaken for Chris Rix either (Note: whether or not he will park in handicapped spaces remains to be seen) and for FSU fans, that’s very good news. UVA will counter FSU’s newfound decency at QB (yes, you read that right, “decency” and “FSU” in not only the same sentence, but the same clause) with a very solid defense led by some badass linebackers (advantage of a blog, you can use words like “badass” in your analysis) and running back Wali Lundy who started of the season on a scoring spree that would make Hugh Hefner jealous. It’s gonna be a good game (in theory…but remember, Communism works…in theory) and, even better for me, it’s gonna be a game where I don’t care who wins or loses.

The big game this weekend is going to be out west, where the suddenly decent Arizona State Sun Devils play the they’re-not-that-good-but-they’re-still-ranked #1 USC Trojans. Cal’s QB completed 23 straight passes against USC’s D but they didn’t get the W. Either USC has some of that 2002 Ohio State luck mojo, or Arizona State is about to pull off a big, big upset.

The only other big-time matchups are tonight’s game between Louisville and Miami and a Big 10 showdown between Wisconsin and Purdue. Louisville has some good coaching and plays hard, but I think Miami’s D will be too much for them. Unless Brock Berlin does his best Rix impersonation, Miami should win that one easily. The Big 10 title may be on the line in the Badgers-Boilermakers game. Wisconsin brings a very stout defense and RB Anthony Davis against a possibly suspect Purdue defense and Heisman candidate QB Kyle Orton. If Orton can shred the Badger defense, you may as well reserve him a seat in New York.
Finally, there are a couple of intriguing games in the SEC. The #1 question (of course, I’m biased) is whether or not the good UGA offense (the one from the LSU and Georgia Southern games) will show up vs. Vandy or not. And the #2 question (again, biased) is whether or not the fact that Ole Miss head coach David Cutcliffe was a longtime UT assistant will give the Rebs a snowball’s chance in hell against the Vols or not. Beyond that, I am curious to see if my crazy prediction of Arkansas beating Auburn holds water or not.

Until next time, Go Dawgs, Go Sox, and to hell with the Yankees (and, let’s say, Purgatory with the Commodores—the Vanderbilt ones, not the guys who sang “Easy”)

Why Not?

The problem with asking why this is the year for the Sox lies in semantics. It shouldn’t be a question of “is this the year?”

It should be “why shouldn’t this be the year?”

“Why not us” is the rallying cry these Red Sox take into the ALCS and, while it may lack the potential marketing promotion glitz of last year’s “Cowboy up”, it does have a good beat and you can dance to it. Besides all that, it shows that this team enters in the right frame of mind. If you ask “Why us?” then you’re unsure—and going into a series with the hated Yankees is like walking into a lion’s den with a belt made from t-bone steaks.

The Sox went 11-8 against the Yankees during the regular season and, this is the really, really, really important part, believe they are the better team going into this series.

They believe they can win.

They know that if they’re down in the 9^th to the Yankees that Mariano Rivera is NOT unhittable—they’ve beaten him before and believe, if need be, that they can do it again.

The team was four outs from vanquishing the Yankees last season and much has changed.

The Yankees are different—their bats are stronger than last year, but they are more and more reliant on the long ball as means of offensive production. Power hitting as an offensive trademark is a risky thing in playoff baseball. When your team’s idea of situational hitting is “hey, we’re down a run, someone hit this out of the park” and the bats are cooled, you’re bound to run into trouble.

<>The upgraded Red Sox pitching staff aims to be just that trouble for the Yankee’s potent lineup.

Curt Schilling, the new staff ace, knows what it takes to beat the Yankees in October, having done it before with the World Champion Diamondbacks. Pedro Martinez, despite getting rocked by the Yankees in his previous two starts against them, knows what is at stake here, and will use it as motivation to pitch at his best—which may not be what it was in 1998-99, is still very, very good stuff. Behind the big 1-2 punch the Sox have a pretty good #3 in Bronson Arroyo—who pitched quite a gem in Fenway last week, striking out more Angels than either Schilling or Martinez—and the knuckleballer Tim Wakefield.

The upgrades to the Sox pitching staff stand out even more compared to what the change the Yankees starting rotation underwent from last season. The Rocket is gone, as are Andy Petite and David Wells. Kevin Brown has been Kevin Brown—good when healthy, but not always healthy. Plus there was that whole punching the wall thing. “El Duque” was a surprise, but may not have anything left in the tank to be a difference-making starter. Which means, for the Yankees, the series may come down to Mussina-Schilling and Lieber-Martinez. If all pitchers come with their best stuff, this is a big plus for the Sox.

My wild dream is that the Sox destroy the Yankee starters to the point that the bullpen won’t be an issue, but that is mainly because the bullpen is the one area the Sox could be in trouble.

Yankee fans may be salivating after watching the Sox bullpen risk a brilliant start by Arroyo against the Angels, knowing what their own lineup was able to do—multiple times—against the Twins. To compound this fear, remember that the Sox were making Tanyon Sturtze look unhittable in the Bronx earlier, have yet to figure out a good way to hit Tom Gordon, and that Sox closer Keith Foulke did blow some saves down the stretch.

I know it is a tad scary. Being a Red Sox fan is a scary thing though. You relate easily to the Charlie Brown and Lucy football cartoons. But this time, Charlie is going to kick the ball, the Sox will beat the Yankees in 5, and, just like the last time Mt. St. Helen’s was feeling frisky, the Sox are going to the World Series.

And they’re going to win there too. Why not?

Eruptions and classic Stevie Wonder tunes

Sorry for the lack of updates, but while I’m not normally a superstitious man, ever since the “corn dog” post last Friday, things have been going so great for my two favorite teams that I was scared that a post might ruin the general good vibes and mojo.

Instead, I think I will just stick with the existing superstition I have going (I last had a haircut the week before UGA played Georgia Southern, and hopefully will be looking very shaggy come New Year’s—and ever since I bought a new Red Sox hat, they haven’t lost).

(Additional note: I hope by giving another hat, purchased at the same time, I can potentially double the Sox's mojo.)

Ain’t specious reasoning fun?

(Note: I also own a rock that keeps tigers away).

So I figure I’ll keep this short and sweet.

Saturday we saw the Georgia team I’d be hoping to see for…well, years.

A few folks have beat me to the punch with the Mount St. Helen’s-UGA connection (last big eruption for the volcano, 1980, last national title for UGA, 1980) but what they missed is that the last eruption of Mt. St. Helen’s was 1986—the last year the Sox went to the World Series.

(Note: someone please ban Buckner from all remaining Sox games just in case).

My pre game prediction was that the LSU game was the type of game UGA would step up and dominate and it felt damn good to be right. Now, the next step is to whip UT’s ass.

The mentality of this team (at least, judging from their quotes) is truly championship caliber. So let’s just have a Big Orange Beatdown this weekend and keep things rolling like Mike Price at a Tuscaloosa strip club.

And, for you Boston fans who want to see something very cool, and the reason why I think folks should adore Curt Schilling like they did Nomar, you all should go over to the Sons of Sam Horn website and note that the 2 postseason game threads were started by none other than Mr. Schilling himself. It’s just beautiful stuff folks. Curt really seems like the anti-Nomar—he even calls into Boston sportstalk radio shows when they’re starting bullplop rumors.

And I’ll leave on this note: there is no curse, there is no curse, there is no curse.

Go Dawgs, whip UT, Go Sox, beat Anaheim!

(P.S., Go University of California Fighting Jack Nikalai and the University of Texas Longhorns! Not that I’d love for UGA to finish Saturday #1 or anything.)

Today's content brought to you by...

People other than me...but it's very funny stuff nonetheless:

Text of Corn Dog LSU story

With all due respect to ITAT.

DeeepBlue:

LSU fans smell like corn dogs

LSU fans smell just like corn dogs.

Yes, it is often said, but so, so true.

LSU fans do smell like corn dogs.

I would never tell them that to their face though. This is something better said at internet distances. Even now, I am afraid.

I am afraid that they'll know I said it. I'll walk past an LSU fan someday, and he'll see that look in my eye that gives it away. That look that says, "gee, what is that smell? Is it corn dogs?" The next thing you know, I'll have flat tires on my car.

If you only learn one thing from me today, remember not to tell LSU fans how they smell - you know, like corn dogs.

LSU fans seem, somehow, sensitive to that whole corn dog issue.

I think this may be why a lot of fans get beaten up by LSU fans. If you attend a game in Baton Rouge, try to avoid telling them that they smell like corn dogs. Say something else instead. Like, "Wow, LSU sure does have a great team this year. This is going to be a great SEC game."

It's hard. I know. It's like when you're having sex and you try to think about baseball. That corn dog smell is just so overwhelming. It makes it hard for you to think about football or baseball or whatever else. Your brain wanders into corn dog topics like: "Gee, I wonder if I took a bite of your finger, if you would taste just like a corn dog?"; or "Is this a real person or is it a giant corn dog trying to make me think it is a real person?" or "What did that giant corn dog just say?" or "Excuse me, Mister, why is it that you smell just exactly like corn dogs smell?" or, of course, after a silencer: "Madam, did you just let the corn dogs out?"

Heck, after what I've heard about LSU fans, I think it may be better not to smell them at all. Okay, not all of them. Some of them are nice. Sure. Smell the nice ones. That's okay.

You know what else is a bad thing to do? Holding your nose around them. They are real sensitive to that, too. Try holding your breath. But don't be obvious about it. Somehow they know you're trying not to breathe in the corn dog smell. And that offends them. They'll likely punch you for that if they catch on to what you're doing.

If you do breathe it in long enough, though, it'll permeate your whole body, and then you'll smell like a corn dog just like they do. But don't say, "Dang, now I smell like a corn dog." They take offense to that. And they will throw things. But not corn dogs. Hard stuff. Stuff that leaves bruises and makes you bleed. Then you may have to get stitches or something. Just don't say it. If you do start smelling like a corn dog, just shut up about it. Okay?

I think kids are acutely aware of corn dog smells too. Counsel your kids on how to behave around LSU fans. If LSU fans are driving around town, do not let your kids stick their heads out of your car window and sniff the air. No. Keep your windows rolled up. An odd change in their expression - indicating they smell corn dogs - might get a wrench or pipe or some other object tossed at your windshield. So, that's dangerous. Let your kids stick their heads out of the car windows as you drive - on some other weekend.

I know you are just as puzzled as I am about some of this corn dog stuff. What puzzles me most is that I've never actually seen any of these LSU fans with a corn dog in their hand. Okay, maybe there's no mystery there - maybe they already ate the corn dogs. Who knows? Maybe there's a corn dog factory in Baton Rouge and they all work there. Maybe, there's a corn dog lotion that they wear, or a French perfume. Maybe their city council puts corn dog juice in the water supply - kind of like fluoride. The politics there are probably weird. The big political issue during the city election is whether they should add more ketchup or more mustard to the water. Don't comment on it though. It's not politically correct over there. It's like a malnutrition issue or something. It's like the corn dogs are probably added to the water to prevent starvation or something.

I know when you go to Baton Rouge, you're thinking: "Ahhhh. Here I am in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. I'll bet the people here smell just like boiled crawfish or shrimp etoufe' or some fancy Cajun food." But just stop thinking that. That's just a myth. They smell just like corn dogs.

In fact, please listen to my advice. Leave them alone about the corn dog odor. And don't try masking the odor with something stronger. They'll curse at you. They'll say something like: "WTF, how dare you smoke a cigar in my home." or "WTF!! Are you too good for the smell of corn dogs?" and they'll cuss out your kids too: "WTF!!! Little Mister fancy pants over here acts like he doesn't want to smell like corn dogs."

Cajuns are not like us. Don't you see that, yet? They are really sensitive about being sniffed and about their corn dog aroma. They know they smell like corn dogs and it is no laughing matter to them at all. I know. I know. We sniff the bammers and the UGA dawgs and the Ole messes, and we keep a straight face with each of them, but don't press your luck with the Cajun tiger fans. Don't refer to Death Valley as corn dog valley either. I mean that's just wrong. Even if you've been drinking, they'll beat you up and curse out your kids.

Along these lines, be extra careful when you laugh in their direction - even if you're laughing about something else. Like baseball or football, or sex or whatever. If you can't control yourself and you must laugh though, do not snort. The snorting makes them think that you smell their corn dog body odor from a distance or that you're choking on it or something. They'll likely burn your van for that. We lost a campus building over just one snort.

So, just remember. You can love one another without sniffing each other. You can enjoy the clash of a couple of good football teams. You can enjoy the thrill of the rivalry. But after the game, please heed my words. Please just move along. No sniffing the opposing fans this Saturday. Okay? Get your corn dog jollies at home.

Enough with this corn dog talk. Let's play ball...