Football In a Non-XL Size pt. 1

One of the biggest events in sports happens this week (no, not the Superbowl. You don’t need me to tell you about that.)

But if you were thinking football-related, you’re close, and should therefore win a cookie. If you were thinking something else, like say, hockey, or golf, or synchronized Romanian deadlift tap-dance ice-skating, you’re in the wrong blog entirely. Go home.

This is about National Signing Day. The day in which athletes at high schools around the world culminate weeks and months of being treated like rock stars (or at the very least, Anthony Michael Hall from Johnny Be Good—which to this day is still one of the worst bits of casting in an 80s move ever.) and they finally sign and fax a sheet of paper to the college of their choice (and more importantly the college’s choice—because let’s face it, an actual high school quarterback of Anthony Michael Hall-circa-the-release-date-of-Johnny-Be-Good’s attributes may want to sign with Texas, but Texas would be out of their mind to sign him.) And hundreds of thousands of grown (according to some definitions, though usually not their wives of significant others’ definitions) men will cheer—especially those who have been following Johnny football hero since he first ran a punt back 84 yards vs. Winder-Barrow his freshman year.

Is it insane? Sure…but so are most things sports related that are fun (actually many things people do for fun can sound insane if you phrase them right: consuming beverages that kill my brain cells, listening to music at hearing-damaging decibel levels, reading complex, footnote-laden novels again and again.) So call me crazy, but I’m going to be a part of the madness this year.

Check back here often for updates…this is like EPSN’s SuperBowl blog—only probably nothing will happen today, or Tuesday.

UPDATE: ok, nothing’s really happened. But UGA is still in the lead for badass safety prospect Reshad Jones.

Down and Dirty - (under) Doggystyle NFL picks

Short and sweet like a good quickie should be here:

Carolina 3-1/2 point 'dogs at the Seahawks? Shaun Alexander has shown nothing in the playoffs and no team has shown they can shut down Steve Smith. Add in Seattle's average D vs. Carolina's really good one and you've got some easy money to make. Seriously the only easier bet is taking the over on "Will Tera Reid get drunk in the next 5 days?"

And yeah, the Broncos are good...but my gut (or the Locos I had for lunch) is telling me the Steelers will be better. So if you trust me (or Locos...or people that work at Locos) go with the Steelers. It's all about former Dawgs getting Superbowl rings, and Hines, Verron and co. need to be hooked up.

NFL Playoffs...

Seriously, they're the same person. All that's missing is Cowher getting in Antwan Randle-El's face and calling him a "little puke" if he aligator arms a pass over the middle. Taking things further (and into G.I. Joe territory because that's more fun than WWF territory--unless we're talking about me and Stacy Keibler), I think Ben Rothlesberger could pass for Hawk, which, all Bulldawg bias aside, would clearly make Hines Ward into Snake-eyes. But the only way the Steelers win this weekend is if someone convinces Manning he's playing Florida (or the Pats).

Moving...west? (It's been awhile since I took Geography ok?) We've got the Carolina Panthers taking on Chicago. Everyone loves to rave about their defense (said defense of course wishes those glowstick-twirling, pacifier-sucking twits would go away and stop playing the electronica version of "the Superbowl Shuffle"), but what they forget is that Carolina has a top 4 defense too. And do you really think this guy:


This guy is the guy who will beat the Carolina defense? (I searched and searched on Google but couldn't find that classic pick of Rexy drunk and holding a whippet, but this still works). Seatle rolls (but close) and the Broncos and Pats is...too close for me to call at the moment. But seriously folks, how can you bet on Rex in the playoffs?

Looking to the 2006 Football Season

Moses is back to lead his people (aka, the defense).

Matthew Stafford is in Athens, getting ready to start classes, and already throwing the pigskin around.

Those are the two big noteworthy items heading into the UGA offseason. They don't seem like much, but there are some big things implied by their abscence too. Leonard Pope is the only starting underclassman leaving early. No coaches are leaving (so far). The staff will be back.

So...who's going to be QB?

I think after five seasons we need to stop worrying about this heading into a season. So far under Mark Richt, not a single UGA starting quarterback has had a terrible or even average season. In fact David Greene and D.J. Shockley have been tearing up the UGA (and NCAA) record books. Since Richt left FSU, their quarterback play has declined (despite highly rated recruits and all-world wideouts). So maybe, just maybe, Coach Richt knows a thing or two about grooming quarterbacks. So file me in the "I don't care if it's JT3, Cox, Barnes, or Stafford" camp. If the starting QB wins Richt's approval, we'll be fine at QB.

'Nother thing to remember as we prepare for another "rebuilding" (sic) year: this isn't the 2003 season, where a senior-laden offensive line was replaced by freshmen, giving up a good 47 sacks. There's talent and depth coming back on the line, plus proven threats at running back. If the Dawgs, with no run game and a porus line could compete for the SEC title in '03, why write them off in '06 when they should have a run game and a decent line?

The real question marks are on the defense. Wilie Martinez didn't make anyone forget about Brian Van Gorder (other than the fans who don't know who the defensive coordinator is anyway...you know the ones, they spend most of the game commenting on how "cute" a player is, and then you wonder why you got drunk and hooked up with them--and worse, invited them to the game as your date). BUT--Brian Van Gorder didn't exactly blow folks away in 2001 either, and he had more talent. Developing qualtity depth on the front seven will go a long, long way in improving the defense. I want the Sugar bowl to be one of those "we don't see it a lot so we pussyfooted around" performances, like the 2004 season opener against Georgia Southern and not a trend. Get stronger against the run, blitz smart--like the LSU game--and keep folks in that 15 ppg. average or so, and UGA should be fine in '06.

And if you wanted a preseason top 25...tune in later this week. I'm not going to cheapskate you like those EPSN bums with their "#1 Texas (provided Vince Young comes back)" stories that have the "Vince Young declares for draft" stories next to them.

Taking the 2005 College Football Season To Bed pt. 1

It was a quick, strange season (one in which I made almost no comments because I neglected this blog like Fred Smoot running into one of the party boat “hired guns” at a strip club.) But now that it’s over, I can look back and seem quite wise with the power of 20/20 hindsight vision (and if you lack this, LensCrafters is more than happy to fit you with hindsight glasses. Or they’re just slap a comically oversized pair of Elton John shades on your ass and call them “hindsight glasses”. Just remember to ask for J-Bone and whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t ask for the hindsight contacts.)

The two best things to happen in college football, 2005 (tie)

D.J. Shockley having a great season / Tennessee’s Linda Lovelaceian 5-6 choke job. Before the season I hoped Shock would come out and be a great player. The rationale was there: sure he looked like one of the neck beard-sporting Detmer brothers vs. Tech last year, but Richt was planning on him being in there. A full offseason of reps with the #1 offense, Richt calling plays for him, not Greene, these would all help and we might not miss Greene that much.

Sure, we didn’t really have proven wideouts for him to throw to, but he’ll come around. A Shockley did more than that, setting a UGA season record for touchdowns and tying Eric Zeier’s record for TD passes.

The best Dawg to play only one season as a starter? Hells yes. He deserved one more shot against WVU, but I’ll still buy him a beer if I see him downtown from now until I eventually check into AA (which will come too soon if the D continues 2006 the way they ended the sugar bowl, but that’s another column.)

The Vols's collapse I predicted somewhat before the season too—just never in my wildest dreams (well, the ones that don’t involve me, Jessica Alba, Brittany Murphy, Eva Mendes and those SuperUltraKing beds they advertise in the Robb Report) did I think UT would only beat one SEC East team (and that that team was Kentucky) and spend bowl season sitting at home.
UT at preseason #3 was seriously overrated though. I questioned if sports writers really watched some of UT’s games last year. Yes, they beat UGA and I hate them for it, but it was close. If it their season consisted only of the close win against the Dawgs and the almost redemptive “we’re not going to lay down and get completely asswhipped so you look better in the eyes of the BCS” SEC championship loss to Auburn, followed by the beatdown of Texas A & M, maybe I could cede a Top 5 birth. But no, it was top 3, and Gerald “what’s a textbook?” Riggs was a freaking Heisman Candidate.

The SEC’s produced some great running backs, but Riggs’s non-badassness aside, when was the last time the conference had a running back in the Heisman race late? I can’t think of any since Garrison Hearst in 1992. Backs don’t accumulate the numbers in the record-setting bunches needed to wow national voters. Sure Jamal Lewis was a better back than Ron Dayne, but Ron Dayne got to rack up yards against Illinois and Northwestern while Lewis was stuck vs. Florida and Alabama (while maybe—allegedly—setting up a nice coke ring).

Point being, the hype was ridiculous, and people seemingly forgot how many near losses the 2004 UT team had. They nearly lost to Vandy and Kentucky last year…Cutcliffe’s lousy final Ole Miss team too. The refs nearly handed them the Florida game.

UT, top 3 team? I laughed. But when they lost to Vandy and South Carolina and their D quit on them late in the 4^th against the Dawgs, and when they finished 5-6 I laughed even harder. The silver lining is that as bad as 5-6 is, it wasn’t bad enough to get Fulmer fired. A good coach with some of UT’s talent would be downright scary.

The 2005 Highlight Reel: Memento Style

The Rose Bowl—best national championship game I’ve seen since Ohio State-Mimai (which beats out the Rose for two chief reasons: 1. the company was better. I watched the Rose bowl with my good friend Miller Lite, the Fiesta I watched with my friend Amanda and her Q-tip fetching cat Roxy. 2. Overtime. Like many a lady will say “sorry, longer is usually better. Sure the refs screwed Miami towards the end, but Texas got a overturned gift touchdown in the Rose too—and the refs were seemingly not going to call holding on either O-line.) Bill Simmons had a great line about Vince Young’s throwing motion though, saying Young “throws like someone who just realized they have dog poop on their hand and is trying to fling it off.”

Fecal-flinging arm motion aside, Vince gave one of the most dominant college football performances ever (up their with #34 almost single-handedly leading UGA past Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl) and it was great fun to watch, if a little disconcerting.

Why? Because now Mack Brown has “won the big one”. I think many folks forget how perennially overrated the ‘Horns were under Brown until this season. His own fans would refer to him as “Mr. February”. One Rose bowl later, Mack Brown is second in the Texas coaching pantheon to Daryl Royal and many Trojan fans are talking to old school Pats fans about all the bad things Pete Carrol did in the NFL that they fear he may do now. Two years ago, Tommy Tuberville was the guy who lost at least 4 games every season. This year, Richt is the coach who can’t beat UT, Auburn and Florida all in one season—here’s to a 2006 turnaround of Mack Brown proportions.

The Fiesta Bowl—Bowden looked out of it, but I wish FSU had won. Much as it was nice to see Ohio State shut up the yammering Notre Dame love for a week or so (until the “early” preseason polls put them at #2 and forget that Weis doesn’t coach D and it shows), I had grown tired of hearing about Joe Paterno’s “comeback”. If just one person had spun the angle with a “if JoePa had let his players, his senior quarterback play like this a few years ago, would we be talking about a comeback?” I could’ve lived with it a lot more.

The Sugar Bowl—I don’t want to talk about.

Other Bowls—I was shocked at some upsets, to say the least. Utah whipping Tech was just funny. Auburn playing like their 1^st game against Tech against a statistically pathetic Wisconsin defense was a shocker (not literally). Miami getting their asses handed to them by LSU was much unexpected (I guess LSU plays better in the Georgia Dome with a backup qb.) But overall, I was pretty disinterested with this year’s crop of bowls. There weren’t that many interesting matchups (on paper) until the (day after) New Year’s games, and I admit to being somewhat preoccupied with worrying about the Red Sox front office’s lack of moves.

To be continued…