Monday, September 27, 2004

8791, CFB Grabass and some NFL stuff

8791. If it’s true, if it’s going to happen, if it’s meant to be, then it’s not over.

Sure, I wrote right here that if it was going to happen the Sox had to sweep the Yankees.

They didn’t.

But guess what? Mathematically it’s still possible.

The MFYs (that’s Motherfucking Yankees for those who don’t know) get to play the Twins and the soon-to-be Cy Young winning Johan Santana (brace yourself for Johan-Carlos references to come later) while the Sox get the Devil Rays.

If it really is going to be 1978 in reverse, the Yankees collapse this week.

And in related paternity news, apparently the Yankees have a new son and his name is Pedro.

Yes, yes, I know, much ink and HTML has already been spilled over Pedro’s post game comments after losing to the Yankees again, but hey, I never played football as a lad so I’m going to pile on now.

True, it sort of sounded like giving up, but I think that it was really more a mix of Pedro being a smartass and Pedro being pissed off. This is the same pitcher who has said if the Babe were in the box, he would plunk him on the ass with a pitch. Pedro’s frustrated, he’s pissed, but he isn’t throwing in the towel folks.

There is of course one other possibility: Pedro spoke the literal truth.

As we all know, Babe Ruth loved the hookers, who knows, maybe the Babe is really Pedro’s father.

Ok, maybe that one’s stretching a bit (we all know Pedro’s mom wouldn’t be a hooker, nor put out for the Babe) but here’s a fun one: Don Zimmer is Pedro’s pop. Oh, there’s no way it could be true, but it’d make for a great faux-Star Wars scene—especially since Zimmer looks a lot like Darth Vader sans the asthmatic breathing mask. Pedro better watch out on this Tampa Bay trip and stay away from the D’Rays dugout unless he wants to hear Zim say “Pedro, I am your father”.

Crazy yes, but I’ll tell you what’s not crazy: 8719 can still happen. Crank up your Bon Jovi and Keep the Faith folks—Saturday and Sunday’s games were glorious.

In other news, college football’s “boring Saturday” proved to an exception, as there were a few good games. So, without further delay, let’s go into our new weekly feature: College Football Grabass—a quick and playful recap of the weekend in college football.

1. Arkansas=better than you thought (unless you are a die-hard, pig calling Arkansas fan). They hinted it when they took Texas to the limit, but they proved it by beating a decent Alabama team. Houston Nutt’s team is now posed to deflate the over inflated hype balloon of Auburn (just watch, the Barn will beat UT, get mentioned as a national title contender and then implode at home vs. the Hawgs).

2. Minnesota may be the best team in the Big 10 (sic). I was going to say Purdue was a candidate as well, but conference champions don’t have a defense that gives up 30 to a crappy Illinois team (related note: still trying to figure out what the hell an “Illini” is.) Minnesota can seemingly run on anyone and has a more productive RB tandem than even the hyped Auburn duo of Carnell “Cadillac” Williams and Ronnie “quit giving me car related nicknames, I’m not like Cadillac damnit” Brown, plus they actually play defense (so far) which is more than Purdue did this past weekend. Right now the conference is the Golden Gopher’s to lose but the Buckeyes and Badgers have potential.

3. Virginia will play Miami for the ACC title, but if NCState finds an offense, they have a shot at making noise. If Bobby Bowden is able to destroy those incriminating pictures Chris Rix HAS to have of him and is able to start ANYONE other than Rix at QB, FSU can stay in this race as well. (Side note: the Bowden Bowl was even more insufferable to watch this year as ABC brought Tater Tot Bowden back as a special reporter. Oddly enough, they never actually cut to Terry when I was watching, possibly because his oompa-loompian stature makes sideline interviews with folks who average over 6 feet tall (a good 2-and-a-half feet more than Tater Tot) pretty unfeasible.

4. USC will lose, but their cheerleaders are still the hottest things on the sidelines other than Erin Andrews—actually hotter (Andrews went to the University of Florida, the Trojan Cheerleaders—not the condoms, the university—did not.) But anyway, USC trailed to Stanford (Note: if they’re so smart why the hell is their mascot “The Cardinal” yet the guy dresses in a Tree suit? Do they know a Cardinal is a bird—or possibly a prominent member of the Catholic Church—and not a tree? Maybe they’re suffering from the same mascotally-confused malady Auburn suffers from.) Now, go back and read the four words in front of that parenthetical. USC, number one team in the land, trailed to Stanford, number somewhere not in the top 25 team in the land with a guy in a tree suit on the sidelines. This means one thing: the only Trojans that will be in Miami for the Orange bowl are the ones that protect against pregnancy and venereal disease.

The full NFL wrap won’t be ready until tomorrow (gotta let my Monday Night Fantasy Football players step up…looking your way Eddie George), but let me just toss out a hearty “aren’t you kicking yourself now” to all those folks who benched Javon Walker. And let me add a “Yes, I am patting myself on the back” to myself for grabbing Reggie Wayne of waivers. My WRs had been underperforming, not anymore.

Until next time, Go Dawgs, Go Sox, to hell with LSU and Tampa Bay and the MFYs!

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