Tuesday, September 28, 2004

Sox Clinch, Dawgs Prepare and NFL Roundup

They’ve got the Wild Card at least.

Last night the Sox whipped up on the Devil Rays a bit, and popped many champagne corks in the dugout, as they clinched—at least—a berth in the playoffs as the AL Wild Card team.

With less than a week left in the season hoping for the AL East is probably a lost cause, but strange things have happened this season—most notably the fact that Pedro Martinez has taken to having a Mini-Me join his entourage. While sadly not Verne Troyer, the guy has been named the team’s official “lucky charm” (Note: an Irish midget would make a funnier lucky charm, if an obvious one). If I felt like hearing complaints from PETA and the Anti Little People Defamation League I would draw comparisons between Anaheim’s Rally Monkey and Boston’s Rally Midget, but I don’t, so I’ll leave those snide comments up to y’all.

(Note: if the Sox do go on a tear this week I may be inquiring about finding a little person to scamper and frolic along the sidelines of Sanford Stadium this Saturday. Think of the Munson calls: “It wasn’t Ol’ Lady Luck that saved us today; it was a midget, my God a midget! We stepped on their face with a fancifully-clad midget and really wounded their pride! Man is there gonna be some property destroyed tonight!”)

In Bulldog news, the ongoing theme seems to be that of returns: Odell Thurman returns from the Land of Violation of Unspecified Team Rules Suspension Land, and he’s pissed off. This does not bode well for the health of LSU offensive players, but it’s a damn good thing for us Dawg fans. On the offensive side, Danny Ware returns from the Land Of Bleeding Lungs, and my guess is he’s itching to tear the LSU D a new one. He’s a player folks. He was coughing up blood and did not want to be taken out of the game vs. South Carolina. My hope is he turns LSU safety Dawan Landry into 2004’s Bill Bates. (Note for the younguns: Bates was the Tennessee safety Herschel Walker “ran over” in his first game at RB for UGA.)

The hope is that the return of “Dude, you’re getting Odell’d” will bolster an already ass-whoomping D and the return of Ware at RB will get the offense performing like did in the first game. The only problem with this hope is it assumes that we can make LSU’s D look like Georgia Southern’s D. Hey, it could happen.

And now (cue booming, echo-y voice):


In the NFL, the Falcons are 3-0 for the first time since 1986 (incidentally, that was the last year Boston made a World Series—thank God the Mets aren’t in the playoffs and He Shall Not Be Named But His Initials Are B.B. is not playing for the Sox), and in clear defiance of my preseason predictions, the Eagles are looking damn good with T.O. I keep waiting for T.O. the conceited, locker-room cancerous jackass to appear and for someone to torch the Eagles defense, but it hasn’t happened yet. But remember, Kansas City started strong last year too and I still stand by my prediction that the Eagles won’t be in the NFC Championship game this season.

As for the Falcons, Sunday’s 6-3 win was one of the ugliest bits of football seen in a while (the Braves scored the same number of points on Sunday), but it showed the one key difference between ‘04’s Falcons and ‘03’s that doesn’t answer to the name Mike Vick: this year’s Falcons actually play defense. Now they’re not going to remind anyone of the 1985 Bears, but somehow this Falcons defense is playing some really good ball. My theory? They have a Rally Midget.

Fantasy Football note: the Drunken Dawgs are now 2-1 and gaining ground in the league, and WR corps should get a major boost from dropping the dead weight and lead hands of Laverneas Coles for the sure hands (and single coverage as a result of Marvin Harrison drawing double) of Reggie Wayne. And check out my Defensive End lineup this week: Jevon Kearse and Charles Grant. Good times. Win #3 shall be glorious.

Until next time, Go Dawgs, Go Sox and to hell with LSU

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