Baseball: In Theory

Why did the Sox of 2004 win a World Series and why are the Only-Team-In-ANY-Major-US-Sport-to-Blow-a-Three-Game-Playoff-Advantage-in-a-best-of-seven Yankees winning now?

Brutal 1-9 hitting with no (or very few) easy outs. (Because lets face it, I'm sure lots of Yankee fans expected to hit some HRs of Josh "Gopher" Beckett Saturday, but how many though it'd be the Corpse of Bernie Williams? )

There simply aren't enough high OBP, high P/PA folks on the FA market for the Sox to compete, hitting-wise with the Yankees next season (though we can always hope and pray for more of the older Yankee players to break down and have a rash of injuries that is statistically more likely as you get closer to mid-30s and 40.) But could there be an off-chance, fiscal possiblity of creating a dominating 1-5 of pitching?

This is long-shot, mostly talking out my ass thinking, mainly to see if any SoSH folks could run the numbers. Five true #1 starters probably isn't going to happen...but let's through another, hypothetical long-shot out there:

1. Schilling and Beckett stay on
2. A trade of two minor league hitting prospects (not both top prospects but likely one good PawSox guy) plus Lester, to the Astros for Roy Oswalt
3. Free agent: Jason Schmidt
4. Free agent: Barry Zito

Additional salary would have to be moved somehow to avoid Yankee-payroll levels, but one admittedly risky trade plus two (very) expensive but more-or-less safe free agent signings would give the Sox a pitching rotation of:
1. Schilling (playing for his legacy and wanting to go out on top)
2. Barry Zito (proven stuff for the AL, still fairly young and a lefty)
3. Jason Schmidt (power arm, possible injury risk due to age but still very good)
4. Roy Oswalt (multiple 20-game winner)
5. Josh Beckett (easily an ace if he gets the HRs under control).

The downside is the total cost for this 5-man rotation could be 60-70 million. But that's still a good bit less than the Yankee infield alone. The way to beat the Yankees is to out pitch them at this point...as the Yankee fan below pointed out (with perhaps too much pride) here's the Yankees rotation:

1. Mussina (not getting any younger, and his post ASB return to his higher career numbers mean any talk of him competing with Santanas of the world for a Cy Young are gone).
2. Wang (great young pitcher, not exactly lights out vs. the Sox, and some of us still think that his high groundball/low strikeout ratio will bite him in the ass one day. Especially with Bronze Glove A-Rod playing D. Add in the potential visage of Sheffroid playing 1st next season and that lineup may have to average 8+ runs to offset the defensive misery on the field.)
3. Randy Johnson. A few weeks ago the Yankee fans said he was old and cooked. Add another year to him.
4-5: Who? Getting Schmidt and Zito means they don't wind up in pinstripes.

So...can this (or part of it anyway) be done?

And will Theo and co. do it?

Poke 'em with a fork, they're almost done

So how has Theo Epstein gone from "Boy Genius" GM to "Grown-ass Man That Inexplicably Thinks Jason Johnson Can Pitch" GM in less than year?

2004.

If not for that WS title and triumph over the Yankees we fans would've seen what a dunderheaded move it was to let Pedro (THE best pitcher the Red Sox have ever had--including Clemens) go and, worse, how pretty much every trade or move related to pitching has sucked since then. Seriously, when David Wells has been your best pitcher brought in, something's gone very wrong.

Since Pedro was allowed to walk to Queens here's what Theo and co. have brought in to help Wake and Schill:
Matt Clement--sucks, also seemingly has a similar nancy-boy temperment like A-Rod's.
David Wells--pretty good when healthy, but at 43 and not exactly a shoo-in for a Men's Health cover, isn't often enough
(_____)--No starters were brought in for 2006, but with Arroyo and Papelbon as possible starters, who needs an extra starter? (*cue ominous music, hit Theo on the head for not talking the Reds into somehow taking Clement instead of Arroyo for Wily Mo*)
Jason Johnson--sucks. Only good thing about the kid was the brief moment of immature laughter at a Wang vs. Johnson game.
Kyle Synder--occasionally servicable out of the bullpin; sucks as as starter.

I won't even talk about the 'pen.

And Josh Beckett ain't ready for prime time.

2007 is Schilling's last season (probably...if he comes back, don't expect Clemens-type stuff in 2008). Beckett hasn't proved worthy as a #2 yet, and the reason the Sox are looking like a team that will be watching the playoffs on tv isn't just the bullpen.

Lester merely prolonged the inevitable, but he's not ready to be a #3 or even 4 starter. But when Tim Wakefield went on the DL that's what happened. The Sox then get really shitty guys struggling to go 5 innings every 5 days twice (#4 and #5 before Wells came back and got his "crap start back from the DL" out of the way) and the bullpen gets worn out. It's not helped by Beckett's inconsistantcy (when he wins, he's often great...when he loses, like the 8-walk day today, you really notice the shittiness).

So fuck it...if this is the season, and if this weekend is the dulled echo of '78's visit from the free-spending ass haberdashers from the Bronx, the front office needs to plan ahead.

Use EST if you have to, but convice Theo that Youk hits leadoff, not Coco. Wily Mo Pena (or in a pinch, Hinske or Mike Lowell) bats 5th. Give the good minor-leaguers some playing time. If Pedroia is ready to take over for Loretta next season, play him.

Then get better in the offseason, and any young pitcher not named Papelbon should be allowed as trade bait. Are Delcarmen, Hansen and Lester good? Sure. But if the team can sign Barry Zito and then use the younguns to trade for Andrew Jones (maybe Lester+Hansen+Crisp for Jones) a free agent middle-of the road starter and reliever can replace their likely production.

You then get a starting rotation of:
Schilling
Zito
Beckett
Wakefield
Clement or random mystery #5 starter

and a potential lineup of:
Youks
Pedroia
Ortiz
Rameriz
Jones
Pena
Hinskie
Varitek
Gonzalez

And if the contracts of Tavarez, Nixon and Clement (as well as Lowell) can be moved, new bullpen arms (and possibly an upgrade at SS) are possible.

$130 million should be better than a team that outside of Manny and Papi is inconsistant and streak at hitting and has no starting pitching depth and a depleted bullpen.

At the very least can someone plunk a Yankee hitter in the ass? Pedro would've done it.

A Good and Bad Day for Baseball

Yesterday had some good and bad.

The bad in that the Dawgs were unable to pound the Beavers (on the baseball field--the baseball field. You perverts) and are now on the likely boring flight home from Omaha. (Note: I figure, barring a "today's inflight movie: The Adventures of Pluto Nash and Baby Geniuses 2 double feature" announcement).

The upside is the Red Sox are capable of winning games even when they throw out a pitcher sporting an ERA above 20 and and a pedigree from that place where baseball goes to die (or to produce Johnny Damon--though given where he is now, and his current, fun-to-watch-if-he-wasn't-on-the-2004-team struggle to watch his brain cells compete to remain in greater number than the day before) aside all that, they can win with this guy starting.

The caveat is hopefully this doesn't happen as the result of some Faustian (re: Steinbrennerian) bargin; such as the ones that allowed the cursed Yankees to resurect Aaron Small from the scrap heap (temporarily) and transform Shawn Chacon from a 3-7 7.00 ERA NL pitcher to a sub-4.00 ERA, 7-3 AL East pitcher.

Bold moves from the Sox soon to pay off.

Sure, it'd be nice if the Twins accepted their place in the AL Central, gave up, and both tanked tonight against Wake's knuckler and then decided that trading Santana for Julian Tavarez would be a good move.

But the Sox did do something. They got former Atlanta Braves All-Star catcher Javy Lopez for mediocre relief pitcher David Riske. And they're getting Javy to pitch (he had good numbers in the minor leagues, where he went by his full name, Javier).

Now if Cleveland could remember they're a better hitting team than the Yankees, and the Yankees could start playing like a team with an pitching staff anchored by a flimsy Wang and vets pushing into Rolling Stones'-aged territory, we'd be in business.

I'd say they should play like a team with injuries, but even if the injured players' salaries were removed they'd be a $160 million team. So fuck 'em. Let Mussina take a line drive off his leg and see if the Post makes any more cracks about David Wells.

Not Gone and No Longer Forgotten

Ok...the neglected blog needs a kick in the ass...

Or a new raison d'etre.

So rather than kick a bit of css stylesheets and xml in the ass, from this post on you get the new Wicked Pissah Y'all Blog.

Sports? Yeah, but pretty much confined to UGA, The Red Sox and bits and pieces of the Falcons, all heavily, heavily filtered through Rose-colored glasses.

If you want thoughtful, even-handed analysis, go elsewhere.

If you want comical bashing of A-Rod, Phil Fulmer-Urban Meyer Brokeback Mountain jokes and bold predictions such as Matthew Stafford throwing 25 TDs his freshman year despite not starting the first game, come here.

Nash? Really? You're Serious Mr. Stern?

Well, thanks for giving me yet another reason to not take the NBA seriously.

1st, there's the inane dress code, because G-d forbid really conservative whitebread fans think Allen Iverson is "street". At least there hasn't been a "no baggy shorts" referendum yet.

But I say "yet", because part of me (the small, strange part that somehow channels my inner Scoop, my inner S.A.S....which, quite frankly, scares me a bit) wonders if this two-time MVP Steve Nash is just another way for the NBA to delusionally say "Hip-hop culture and the NBA? No way. Pay no attention to those AI and Shaq rap albums behind the curtain."

Are the Suns better with Nash? Sure.

Does Nash create like few point guards? Sure.

Does Nash play D? Hell naw.

And y'all done up and gave this man not one, but two undeserving MVPs. The award was Shaq's last year (and yes, the Diesel did have Dwayne Wade, but don't forget Nash had both Staudamire AND Joe Johnson back then). This year I would rank Nash in my top 5, but behind LeBron, Kobe, Dirk, and it'd be close between the Canadian Coif (really, anyone with that fruity a nickname should be disqualified--you don't see "Starbury" picking up trophies do you?) and 'Melo. Or maybe I'm just pissed. If Nash gets an MVP for excelling on only one end of the court, where's the Bruce Bowen for MVP outcry?

Anyone, great as these playoffs may be, I still have watched nothing more than highlights, and now, thanks to this asinine MVP voting, I shall continue viewing the NBA as "must no really give two shits about" TV.


In other, Red Sox-related news...

First place heading into a series with the NY Chokers is not too shabby when your starting CF is injured and you're scoring with RISP as often as Vito Spatafore with women (*bada bing*).
So let's sweep those asshats outta the Bronx.

And now, someone else's great finally words re Johnny Damon:

You know what my problem all along has been with Johnny Damon? Because to him, It is all about Johnny Damon. It has always been about Johnny Damon. His worries about his reception, his self aggrandizing wave of the helmet, his gestures to the crowd all point this out.

Re. his protestations about the Red Sox not respecting what he had done, Damon would have us believe that it was Johnny Damon who brought all the fans out to see the Red Sox. It was Johnny Damon who Red Sox fans went out to see on the road, it was Johnny Damon who was responsible for selling out Fenway night after night.

Wrong, Johnny. I was watching the Red Sox before you were born, and I will be watching the Red Sox long after you retire. I was watching you play for the Red Sox; I was watching you because you had Boston across the front of the uniform.

Torre's comments feed into this. He implies that it was Johnny Damon, alone, who beat the Yankees. It was Johnny Damon, alone, who beat the Cardinals. He then twists it a little by throwing in a snide comment about 90 years or so. He may have well as said it was Curtis Leskanic who did it. Because, like Damon, Leskanic contributed mightily that October as well.

Wrong, Joe. Maybe if Johnny Damon had gotten a hit or two earlier in the series, it never comes down to game 7. It never comes down to your inspired choice of Kevin Brown, followed by Javier Vazquez. It was the Red Sox that beat your Yankees, Joe, not Johnny Damon.

Johnny, I hate to clue you in on this, but you were not, nor would you ever have been the "face" of the Boston Red Sox. You were an important part of the team for four years, but never the image.

Johnny, the face of the Boston Red Sox is the fan of the Boston Red Sox. It is my Grandad, my Dad and Mom. It is the summer of 1967 spent on Canobie Lake park listening to Ken Coleman and Ned Martin. It is Carl Yastrzemski lashing a single up the middle off of Jim Merritt, and it is Carl Yastrzemski sitting alone at his locker smoking a cigarette and sipping a beer after popping up to Graig Nettles for the last out of 1978. It is Tim Wakefield crying in the lockeroom of Yankee Stadium in October of 2003, and it is Tim Wakefield celebatrting on the Yankee Stadium mound in October of 2004. It is Curtis Leskanic pitching with one tendon connecting his shoulder together for 1 1/3 innings in that same October.

At some point you started to believe all the PR and the hair and the foolshness. It is not about you, Johnny, it never was. Apparently you will never get that.

-From the Sons of Sam Horn

And, because I need to stash a stable pic somewhere for my blogs, here's me:

Early Draft Thoughts...

Mario Williams #1?
Over Reggie Bush?

Well then. San Diego's pick of Ryan Leaf is no longer the dumbest pick in the NFL in the past two decades.

Could Williams wind up being Pro-Bowl caliber? Possibly. But he's far closer to Mike Mummola than Julius Peppers at this point. Peppers didn't quite put up NCAA record sack totals, but his numbers were decent, and he had the crutch of playing basketball. Williams had NO sacks in half of the games in his final TWO seasons, with no basketball to hurt conditioning. And while he's big and fast, he doesn't look anywhere near the physical freak that Peppers (and Peppers predecessor, Jevon Kearse) were.

And the bigger reason this was a bonehead pick: Reggie Bush is easily--let me repeat this, slowly and in large typeface
EASILY THE BEST PLAYER IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS OR MORE
and Houston says "nah, we need defense."
Houston, you won two games last year. You don't have "a problem", you have "many problems." And Bush would've fixed far more than Williams.

So, congratulations Houston Texans, you win the First Annual NFL Draft Red Foreman Dumbass Award
"Congrats, dumbasses"

In other news...as a Falcons fan, I'm glad they've traded for defensive help, because with the purging of Aaron Brooks, replacing him with Drew Brees, and most importantly, riding themselves of Jim "8-8" Haslett, the Saints were already improved. With Reggie Bush and Deuce they could easily be the next Kansas City Chiefs. At least that's my hope. A decent defense and they might be downright scary.

And finally, a word about the "new" Jets. D'Brickishaw may be a hell of a lineman. But ask yourself this Jets fans, even if your OLine was nothing but AllPros, are you really comfortable with Chad Pennington back there? After the shoulder injuries he's had, it's a toss up for who has the weaker arm between him and Johnny Damon. And Pennington doesn't get to throw baseballs. Matt Leinart, nit-picking about arm strentgh aside, could've been the next Broadway Joe. He was a college QB in LA that became a "local" celebrity. He lost all of two games and certainly held his own against a good Texas D. He's used to being a start in a fickle big city. Do the Jets need a star? Maybe not. But I think they'd be a lot better off going up against the Pats and the rabidly improving Dolphins with someone other than Chad.

Quick random thoughts

Rich McKay needs a raise. There are mutterings and hushed whisperings that he'd be a good candidate for NFL commish. After the Falcons offseason so far, Falcon fans everywhere need to convince McKay to stay. A defense practically pulling people from the stands to play DB now has Lawyer Milloy and the tandem of John Abraham and Patrick Kearney could be one of the league's best. Now if only Greg Knaap were replaced by Mike Martz...

I don't want to say anything about UGA's QB yet. But a freshman could be starting 4 games in. That's all I'm saying. (Ok, that and the JTIII-Cory Phillips comparisons aren't holding water. Phillips had not one but TWO 400 yard passing games under his belt when he was battling David Greene. JoeT3, while a damn good dawg, I think has only one game where he attempted more than 4 passes.)

Best March Madness ever? Maybe. But for once it'd be nice for the media to wait til an event is over before ranking its worth.

No-Fun Huskies Deserved to Lose

It may seem unduly harsh (or bracket-busted-related bitterness) to say UConn deserved to lose a game that it sent to OT with all zeros on the clock, but it's true.

UConn has probably four NBA-ready players, more than even athlete-rich teams like Florida, Texas and LSU.

But not once during the tournement have they played to potential. They looked like listless crap against 16th-seed Albany. Albany! We got some measure of relief when they beat Kentucky, but that was only because so many watching convinced ourselves that UK was playing like the 'Cats of old. As feel-good as that lie was to those of us with the Huskies in our Final Fours, it's bull: this was easily the least cohesive, worst-playing Kentucky squad in many years.

Then for their final two games, they did a Road Runner-like, no one can keep them down act at the end of regulation. Washington had them beat. Myself and a few other hoops fans stood to the side of the stage at Tasty World, ignore soon-to-be famous rock stars in Second Shift, the Pendletons rocking out on stage, and even some really attractive girls with slightly curly hair (if I have a type, that's it), watching UConn somehow come back. Sunday was the same thing. UConn was all non-smiles and Calhoun's disturbing resmemblance to Grady Little was underscored by the smaller team playing loose and with passion--while the big boys of UConn grimaced and seemingly didn't even attempt a 3 point shot in the final minutes (while letting George Mason destroy them outside the arc on the other end.)

Calhoun said this year's Husky squad lacked in guard play...but would better guards really inspire some spark of life in this team? Teams that get this far have to have an identity. Unfortunatly for UConn, their legacy for 2006 is: talented underachievers. Now, one of the 3 best UConn teams finishes the year as a historical footnote to George Mason's amazing run (and don't doubt for a minute the coronary George Mason can give that jackass Billy Packer. 'Nova's run in 1985 was amazing, but look at what GM has done: defeated the defending National Champ, and the National Champ from two years ago, along with two of last year's Final Four teams. It could be a quarter-century before something like this happens again.)

Spring Practice: Good News/Bad News

From today's Athens Banner-Herald:

Two tennis ball machines are now set up alongside two Jugs machines on the practice field in hopes of helping Georgia improve its pass catching.

"I saw a lot of dropped balls early in practice and then at the tail end once we got involved in our pass skeleton drill, we had some great catches," Richt said after Monday's practice. "We've had too many drops over the last five years in my opinion. We've got to catch the football if we're going to make this thing really go and be exciting."

Richt believes that too many passes have been dropped because players aren't trusting their hands more and are relying too much on using their bodies to catch the ball.

This is good that Richt is agreeing with yrstrly about the Wideouts and pass catching. But the bad (and slightly disturbing news) is that it's Richt talking about it, while the WR Coach has said nothing. But, there is a good side to this too. The fact that I'm temporarily blanking on the WR coach's name (even though I know he coached wideouts at FSU in the 90s, and the Toronto Argonauts) reminds me that I can't remember really any quotes from him. So my hope is he's just media shy.

This really is a great time of year. It's getting warmer, there's baseball, March Madness and football too. If the baseball and football games counted, it could almost top fall...wait...nah...

Pick' em

I'll keep my Superbowl picks easy.
Both teams have great players (though I still think I could get 1,000 yards running in a spread with guys like Walter Jones blocking for me...until the first good-sized safety tackles me and breaks something.)
But since both sides have great players, it comes down to coaching. Earlier I compared Cowher to Sgt. Slaughter. Who does Mike Holmgren look like?














Coccoon star Wilfred Brimley.

















So now ask yourself: in a football game--not a chance to keep old people feeling young--who do you trust more to win it for you?


(Also, please ignore Holmgren's Superbowl rings...I'm picking the Steelers damnit.)

Football In a Non-XL Size pt. 1

One of the biggest events in sports happens this week (no, not the Superbowl. You don’t need me to tell you about that.)

But if you were thinking football-related, you’re close, and should therefore win a cookie. If you were thinking something else, like say, hockey, or golf, or synchronized Romanian deadlift tap-dance ice-skating, you’re in the wrong blog entirely. Go home.

This is about National Signing Day. The day in which athletes at high schools around the world culminate weeks and months of being treated like rock stars (or at the very least, Anthony Michael Hall from Johnny Be Good—which to this day is still one of the worst bits of casting in an 80s move ever.) and they finally sign and fax a sheet of paper to the college of their choice (and more importantly the college’s choice—because let’s face it, an actual high school quarterback of Anthony Michael Hall-circa-the-release-date-of-Johnny-Be-Good’s attributes may want to sign with Texas, but Texas would be out of their mind to sign him.) And hundreds of thousands of grown (according to some definitions, though usually not their wives of significant others’ definitions) men will cheer—especially those who have been following Johnny football hero since he first ran a punt back 84 yards vs. Winder-Barrow his freshman year.

Is it insane? Sure…but so are most things sports related that are fun (actually many things people do for fun can sound insane if you phrase them right: consuming beverages that kill my brain cells, listening to music at hearing-damaging decibel levels, reading complex, footnote-laden novels again and again.) So call me crazy, but I’m going to be a part of the madness this year.

Check back here often for updates…this is like EPSN’s SuperBowl blog—only probably nothing will happen today, or Tuesday.

UPDATE: ok, nothing’s really happened. But UGA is still in the lead for badass safety prospect Reshad Jones.

Down and Dirty - (under) Doggystyle NFL picks

Short and sweet like a good quickie should be here:

Carolina 3-1/2 point 'dogs at the Seahawks? Shaun Alexander has shown nothing in the playoffs and no team has shown they can shut down Steve Smith. Add in Seattle's average D vs. Carolina's really good one and you've got some easy money to make. Seriously the only easier bet is taking the over on "Will Tera Reid get drunk in the next 5 days?"

And yeah, the Broncos are good...but my gut (or the Locos I had for lunch) is telling me the Steelers will be better. So if you trust me (or Locos...or people that work at Locos) go with the Steelers. It's all about former Dawgs getting Superbowl rings, and Hines, Verron and co. need to be hooked up.

NFL Playoffs...

Seriously, they're the same person. All that's missing is Cowher getting in Antwan Randle-El's face and calling him a "little puke" if he aligator arms a pass over the middle. Taking things further (and into G.I. Joe territory because that's more fun than WWF territory--unless we're talking about me and Stacy Keibler), I think Ben Rothlesberger could pass for Hawk, which, all Bulldawg bias aside, would clearly make Hines Ward into Snake-eyes. But the only way the Steelers win this weekend is if someone convinces Manning he's playing Florida (or the Pats).

Moving...west? (It's been awhile since I took Geography ok?) We've got the Carolina Panthers taking on Chicago. Everyone loves to rave about their defense (said defense of course wishes those glowstick-twirling, pacifier-sucking twits would go away and stop playing the electronica version of "the Superbowl Shuffle"), but what they forget is that Carolina has a top 4 defense too. And do you really think this guy:


This guy is the guy who will beat the Carolina defense? (I searched and searched on Google but couldn't find that classic pick of Rexy drunk and holding a whippet, but this still works). Seatle rolls (but close) and the Broncos and Pats is...too close for me to call at the moment. But seriously folks, how can you bet on Rex in the playoffs?

Looking to the 2006 Football Season

Moses is back to lead his people (aka, the defense).

Matthew Stafford is in Athens, getting ready to start classes, and already throwing the pigskin around.

Those are the two big noteworthy items heading into the UGA offseason. They don't seem like much, but there are some big things implied by their abscence too. Leonard Pope is the only starting underclassman leaving early. No coaches are leaving (so far). The staff will be back.

So...who's going to be QB?

I think after five seasons we need to stop worrying about this heading into a season. So far under Mark Richt, not a single UGA starting quarterback has had a terrible or even average season. In fact David Greene and D.J. Shockley have been tearing up the UGA (and NCAA) record books. Since Richt left FSU, their quarterback play has declined (despite highly rated recruits and all-world wideouts). So maybe, just maybe, Coach Richt knows a thing or two about grooming quarterbacks. So file me in the "I don't care if it's JT3, Cox, Barnes, or Stafford" camp. If the starting QB wins Richt's approval, we'll be fine at QB.

'Nother thing to remember as we prepare for another "rebuilding" (sic) year: this isn't the 2003 season, where a senior-laden offensive line was replaced by freshmen, giving up a good 47 sacks. There's talent and depth coming back on the line, plus proven threats at running back. If the Dawgs, with no run game and a porus line could compete for the SEC title in '03, why write them off in '06 when they should have a run game and a decent line?

The real question marks are on the defense. Wilie Martinez didn't make anyone forget about Brian Van Gorder (other than the fans who don't know who the defensive coordinator is anyway...you know the ones, they spend most of the game commenting on how "cute" a player is, and then you wonder why you got drunk and hooked up with them--and worse, invited them to the game as your date). BUT--Brian Van Gorder didn't exactly blow folks away in 2001 either, and he had more talent. Developing qualtity depth on the front seven will go a long, long way in improving the defense. I want the Sugar bowl to be one of those "we don't see it a lot so we pussyfooted around" performances, like the 2004 season opener against Georgia Southern and not a trend. Get stronger against the run, blitz smart--like the LSU game--and keep folks in that 15 ppg. average or so, and UGA should be fine in '06.

And if you wanted a preseason top 25...tune in later this week. I'm not going to cheapskate you like those EPSN bums with their "#1 Texas (provided Vince Young comes back)" stories that have the "Vince Young declares for draft" stories next to them.

Taking the 2005 College Football Season To Bed pt. 1

It was a quick, strange season (one in which I made almost no comments because I neglected this blog like Fred Smoot running into one of the party boat “hired guns” at a strip club.) But now that it’s over, I can look back and seem quite wise with the power of 20/20 hindsight vision (and if you lack this, LensCrafters is more than happy to fit you with hindsight glasses. Or they’re just slap a comically oversized pair of Elton John shades on your ass and call them “hindsight glasses”. Just remember to ask for J-Bone and whatever you do, for God’s sake don’t ask for the hindsight contacts.)

The two best things to happen in college football, 2005 (tie)

D.J. Shockley having a great season / Tennessee’s Linda Lovelaceian 5-6 choke job. Before the season I hoped Shock would come out and be a great player. The rationale was there: sure he looked like one of the neck beard-sporting Detmer brothers vs. Tech last year, but Richt was planning on him being in there. A full offseason of reps with the #1 offense, Richt calling plays for him, not Greene, these would all help and we might not miss Greene that much.

Sure, we didn’t really have proven wideouts for him to throw to, but he’ll come around. A Shockley did more than that, setting a UGA season record for touchdowns and tying Eric Zeier’s record for TD passes.

The best Dawg to play only one season as a starter? Hells yes. He deserved one more shot against WVU, but I’ll still buy him a beer if I see him downtown from now until I eventually check into AA (which will come too soon if the D continues 2006 the way they ended the sugar bowl, but that’s another column.)

The Vols's collapse I predicted somewhat before the season too—just never in my wildest dreams (well, the ones that don’t involve me, Jessica Alba, Brittany Murphy, Eva Mendes and those SuperUltraKing beds they advertise in the Robb Report) did I think UT would only beat one SEC East team (and that that team was Kentucky) and spend bowl season sitting at home.
UT at preseason #3 was seriously overrated though. I questioned if sports writers really watched some of UT’s games last year. Yes, they beat UGA and I hate them for it, but it was close. If it their season consisted only of the close win against the Dawgs and the almost redemptive “we’re not going to lay down and get completely asswhipped so you look better in the eyes of the BCS” SEC championship loss to Auburn, followed by the beatdown of Texas A & M, maybe I could cede a Top 5 birth. But no, it was top 3, and Gerald “what’s a textbook?” Riggs was a freaking Heisman Candidate.

The SEC’s produced some great running backs, but Riggs’s non-badassness aside, when was the last time the conference had a running back in the Heisman race late? I can’t think of any since Garrison Hearst in 1992. Backs don’t accumulate the numbers in the record-setting bunches needed to wow national voters. Sure Jamal Lewis was a better back than Ron Dayne, but Ron Dayne got to rack up yards against Illinois and Northwestern while Lewis was stuck vs. Florida and Alabama (while maybe—allegedly—setting up a nice coke ring).

Point being, the hype was ridiculous, and people seemingly forgot how many near losses the 2004 UT team had. They nearly lost to Vandy and Kentucky last year…Cutcliffe’s lousy final Ole Miss team too. The refs nearly handed them the Florida game.

UT, top 3 team? I laughed. But when they lost to Vandy and South Carolina and their D quit on them late in the 4^th against the Dawgs, and when they finished 5-6 I laughed even harder. The silver lining is that as bad as 5-6 is, it wasn’t bad enough to get Fulmer fired. A good coach with some of UT’s talent would be downright scary.

The 2005 Highlight Reel: Memento Style

The Rose Bowl—best national championship game I’ve seen since Ohio State-Mimai (which beats out the Rose for two chief reasons: 1. the company was better. I watched the Rose bowl with my good friend Miller Lite, the Fiesta I watched with my friend Amanda and her Q-tip fetching cat Roxy. 2. Overtime. Like many a lady will say “sorry, longer is usually better. Sure the refs screwed Miami towards the end, but Texas got a overturned gift touchdown in the Rose too—and the refs were seemingly not going to call holding on either O-line.) Bill Simmons had a great line about Vince Young’s throwing motion though, saying Young “throws like someone who just realized they have dog poop on their hand and is trying to fling it off.”

Fecal-flinging arm motion aside, Vince gave one of the most dominant college football performances ever (up their with #34 almost single-handedly leading UGA past Notre Dame in the Sugar Bowl) and it was great fun to watch, if a little disconcerting.

Why? Because now Mack Brown has “won the big one”. I think many folks forget how perennially overrated the ‘Horns were under Brown until this season. His own fans would refer to him as “Mr. February”. One Rose bowl later, Mack Brown is second in the Texas coaching pantheon to Daryl Royal and many Trojan fans are talking to old school Pats fans about all the bad things Pete Carrol did in the NFL that they fear he may do now. Two years ago, Tommy Tuberville was the guy who lost at least 4 games every season. This year, Richt is the coach who can’t beat UT, Auburn and Florida all in one season—here’s to a 2006 turnaround of Mack Brown proportions.

The Fiesta Bowl—Bowden looked out of it, but I wish FSU had won. Much as it was nice to see Ohio State shut up the yammering Notre Dame love for a week or so (until the “early” preseason polls put them at #2 and forget that Weis doesn’t coach D and it shows), I had grown tired of hearing about Joe Paterno’s “comeback”. If just one person had spun the angle with a “if JoePa had let his players, his senior quarterback play like this a few years ago, would we be talking about a comeback?” I could’ve lived with it a lot more.

The Sugar Bowl—I don’t want to talk about.

Other Bowls—I was shocked at some upsets, to say the least. Utah whipping Tech was just funny. Auburn playing like their 1^st game against Tech against a statistically pathetic Wisconsin defense was a shocker (not literally). Miami getting their asses handed to them by LSU was much unexpected (I guess LSU plays better in the Georgia Dome with a backup qb.) But overall, I was pretty disinterested with this year’s crop of bowls. There weren’t that many interesting matchups (on paper) until the (day after) New Year’s games, and I admit to being somewhat preoccupied with worrying about the Red Sox front office’s lack of moves.

To be continued…